Today was my 9th day of teaching. I have officially been Miss Hood now for 9 days now, and I wish I could tell you that I am getting the hang of it by now and that my students are making these incredible marks of improvement, but that's just not happening. This is still hard. I'm still failing. A lot. And it's a very different type of failure that I have never experienced before. This is the first time that I've ever been in a place where my failure is so apparent to others. Also, in college, if I failed an assignment or did not do my very best on something, I was the only one that it affected. But here, each and every failure moment that I experience directly impacts each of my 19 precious students. They need someone who will not fail them. I so desperately want to be that person, but I am just not there yet. I've been having a really hard time believing in and receiving self-grace, which is why I am SO thankful for the wonderful people in my life both here and via technology who have been able to remind me of truth and turn me back to the idea that I am not doing this for success; I am doing this to partake in kingdom work.
I read this verse earlier this week, and it spoke straight to my soul: "I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me" Philippians 3:12. This work is the work that Christ has prepared for me, and I am not allowed to say that I am not worthy of it because it is really not about me. I move forward and I keep loving my students and researching better ways to teach them because this is the work that is in front of me. This is what I am being asked to do right now for the Kingdom. I am not here to be the savior for these children. That is not my job. But how do I continue to do this work well while giving myself grace?
As cheesy as it is, I started to think about it like this: "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." I want each and every one of my students to make it to the moon. But maybe I do not need to be the one to get them there. One of my girls scored a 20% on her pre-assessment test. She needs to get a 70% on the final assessment (in 2 weeks!) in order to pass on to the 6th grade. I am going to live and act in a way that believes in miracles and power greater than my own. I choose to believe that this is something that COULD happen for her. Yesterday, I taught her how to subtract by using borrowing. This might seem like a very small milestone, but it made me cry. This 12 year old girl has never been able to subtract a number like 52-28. And now she can. I might not be able to take Daniell all the way to the moon, but if I at least live like it's a possibility, I will be able to bring her up into the stars, into that place that she has never been before. What a beautiful opportunity. And then, since she will be in the stars, the next person will have a much easier time and shorter distance to get her all the way to the moon.
I hope and I pray that each and every one of my students reaches the moon. I pray that they become confident in themselves. I pray that they choose to want to learn. I pray that they realize the fact that they have choices in their lives and that the choices start now. I pray for miraculous growth. I pray that they will pass into the 6th grade and then the 7th and 8th and 9th, all the way to and through college. I pray that they would not be limited because of the circumstances of their family's economic stability or the lack of support they have received on too many ends. I pray that they would 'achieve' but I ultimately pray that they would discover God and find their place in this beautiful Kingdom work.
heldtogetherbygrace,
Emily
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