Friday was by far the worst day I have ever had as a teacher. The cliff notes version goes like this...started out the day by putting out a fire in the boys' bathroom across from my room.
Then I found out that there is a good possibility that I could be switched to 6th grade special education because of licensing issues for the other teacher. Now I know that i have not made any progress academically or socially or behaviorally or anything, but...I am beyond attached. I see so much hope and potential in these students of mine and I don't know how I plan to reach them or teach them, but I'm not done with them yet. I need more time.
Later in the day, I was told that it was one of my babies who started the fire and I just melted into a puddle. Education is literally the only way out for these kiddos and if that is taken from them, their future equals jail or alcohol or drugs. They need to stay in school so they can have a chance of choosing the lives they want that could actually benefit society instead of always being told what life will be for them. But they need to first choose goodness. (long story short, his name was cleared and I get to keep him!)
But the real drama occurred during 4th period when (long story short) the officer discovered that one of my other boys brought a mini bb gun to school and hid it under my table!!! No one got hurt. The gun was wrapped up by the officer and taken away. But still...a gun! On Friday it looked like my boy would just be suspended but today I was told that he would definitely not be coming back. My heart broke. Yes he messed up. Yes he should be punished. But he, of all people, neeeeeeds to stay in school.
My heart breaks for T because he has had such a hard and unfair life for a 13 year old boy. I think that he is at the place now where so much ash and dust has been piled upon him that all he knows how to do now is to pile on more dirt. It's not his fault that the initial dust was thrown on him, but he needs to learn to start wiping it off instead of adding more on. My hope and prayer for this year was that I would get to be one of the people who wipes a bit of the dust off and shines some lit through. But now he is gone. And my time with him is up. It feels like I had one of my own children taken from me before he was 18 and ready to move on. He's not ready. I needed more time.
So now my job is to pray. I pray that this would be the time in his life where God presses down the clay and begins to form it again. To form it into something with less chips and cracks and dust. I pray that this would be a time when God's bigness overpowers the small box of "possibilities". I pray that there was some lesson that I taught him over these last 10 weeks that actually sunk in and that will have a positive influence on his life. I pray that she knows he is loved. I pray that he will learn to choose goodness.
Please pray for the rest of my kiddos. And for our school. Pray for healing and light through dust. (and please pray that my job is not switched...)
Thank you,
Em
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Dinner Parties
Sorry I fail at the whole blogging thing. When I first decided to get a blog, I was sure that I would write in it at least one a week, very faithfully. I wanted to have a way to communicate with those I love from home without having to commit to hour long phone calls with 30+ people every week. But as you can tell, I have not done a very good job at that. I wish I could tell you that I'll do better, but I probably won't. This life is just so hard to explain via phone/skype/email/blog. But I appreciate you asking and texting and calling and wanting to know. So here is my very brief, non-eloquent way of describing my experience here in Mississppi:
School is hard, but life is good.
I am still a horrible teacher. My planning is highly inadequate, my execution is awful, and my students are therefore not successful. I have been teaching these precious babies for over 2 months now and have seen very little growth. My kindergarten roommates talk about the fact that they have to teach their students how to be human because they really know nothing. Sadly, it's still the same in 7th and 8th grade. I want my students to experience the fullness of life. I want them to have choices and hopes and dreams. But they need to learn to read. And more importantly, they need to learn how to care about one another and how to respect themselves. These kids have so much potential dwelling inside of them, but there are all of these heavy layers of dust that have been piled on top of them. Sometimes the dust is a result of actions that they have chosen to make on their own, but sometimes the dust is an unavoidable consequence thrown on them from other broken people in a messy world. I don't know how to teach through the dust.
With that said, the hours between 6am and 4pm are pretty rough. But then we come home. And we love our home. Really and truly. Our house is our safe place. It is the place where our friends gather and let us feed them. Where my roommates and I dance around the house, laugh together, cry together, cook together, clean together, and pray together. The hours from 4pm-12am are the hours when I am reminded of who I am and how I have learned to live, especially over the last 4 years. I have spent so much of my last few years learning about how to live in a community. My job for the last 3 years was to foster and develop events and relationships that would lend themselves to moments of praise, vulnerability, hospitality, and grace. I was certain that I would never experience that type of community after I left APU. And while that is definitely true in many ways, I have slowly been finding ways to incorporate that life into this one. One of my favorite days occurred about 3 weeks ago when my roommates and I decided to throw an open house party. We created, printed, and hand-delivered personal invitations to our 50 closest friends, neighbors, and fellow teachers who have been a part of our crazy lives here. Most people think that the party was a "just because" type of party because it was so out of the blue. But for my roommates and me, this party was filled with the purpose of celebration. We get so bogged down with the heaviness of school that we forget the fact that we are people. We are people who have lives. And our lives are good. We want to remember that and to make sure that our friends realize it too.
These are my beautiful roommates and our favorite 88 year old neighbor, Jigger!
If I wasn't so committed to my beloved children and to this job, I think I would love to become a party planner. Or maybe just a professional dinner party hostess. We have a lot of dinner parties at our home. The food is never fancy (except that one time that Dave cooked!) and our table is much too small, but it forces us to slow down. When we eat, we are reminded that we are human. We are not the superheroes that we sometimes pretend to be. We are fragile, and we need to be nourished. It might seem easier to feed yourself or to just grab dinner from Wendy's, but I think that we are able to nourish a lot more than just our physical hunger when we can learn to cook and eat together.
I'm starting to feel more like myself here in this place. My hope and prayer now is that I will begin to feel as joyful and passionate about the hours between 6am and 4pm. I have to believe that I'll get there. It will take time to sift through all the dust, but I will not give up and I will not quit.
School is hard (but hopeful) and life is (excessively) good. even in the hard moments, i am thankful to be here. this is absolutely what i would choose.
love y'all.
School is hard, but life is good.
I am still a horrible teacher. My planning is highly inadequate, my execution is awful, and my students are therefore not successful. I have been teaching these precious babies for over 2 months now and have seen very little growth. My kindergarten roommates talk about the fact that they have to teach their students how to be human because they really know nothing. Sadly, it's still the same in 7th and 8th grade. I want my students to experience the fullness of life. I want them to have choices and hopes and dreams. But they need to learn to read. And more importantly, they need to learn how to care about one another and how to respect themselves. These kids have so much potential dwelling inside of them, but there are all of these heavy layers of dust that have been piled on top of them. Sometimes the dust is a result of actions that they have chosen to make on their own, but sometimes the dust is an unavoidable consequence thrown on them from other broken people in a messy world. I don't know how to teach through the dust.
With that said, the hours between 6am and 4pm are pretty rough. But then we come home. And we love our home. Really and truly. Our house is our safe place. It is the place where our friends gather and let us feed them. Where my roommates and I dance around the house, laugh together, cry together, cook together, clean together, and pray together. The hours from 4pm-12am are the hours when I am reminded of who I am and how I have learned to live, especially over the last 4 years. I have spent so much of my last few years learning about how to live in a community. My job for the last 3 years was to foster and develop events and relationships that would lend themselves to moments of praise, vulnerability, hospitality, and grace. I was certain that I would never experience that type of community after I left APU. And while that is definitely true in many ways, I have slowly been finding ways to incorporate that life into this one. One of my favorite days occurred about 3 weeks ago when my roommates and I decided to throw an open house party. We created, printed, and hand-delivered personal invitations to our 50 closest friends, neighbors, and fellow teachers who have been a part of our crazy lives here. Most people think that the party was a "just because" type of party because it was so out of the blue. But for my roommates and me, this party was filled with the purpose of celebration. We get so bogged down with the heaviness of school that we forget the fact that we are people. We are people who have lives. And our lives are good. We want to remember that and to make sure that our friends realize it too.
These are my beautiful roommates and our favorite 88 year old neighbor, Jigger!
If I wasn't so committed to my beloved children and to this job, I think I would love to become a party planner. Or maybe just a professional dinner party hostess. We have a lot of dinner parties at our home. The food is never fancy (except that one time that Dave cooked!) and our table is much too small, but it forces us to slow down. When we eat, we are reminded that we are human. We are not the superheroes that we sometimes pretend to be. We are fragile, and we need to be nourished. It might seem easier to feed yourself or to just grab dinner from Wendy's, but I think that we are able to nourish a lot more than just our physical hunger when we can learn to cook and eat together.
I'm starting to feel more like myself here in this place. My hope and prayer now is that I will begin to feel as joyful and passionate about the hours between 6am and 4pm. I have to believe that I'll get there. It will take time to sift through all the dust, but I will not give up and I will not quit.
School is hard (but hopeful) and life is (excessively) good. even in the hard moments, i am thankful to be here. this is absolutely what i would choose.
love y'all.
Monday, September 5, 2011
it is good.
"What do you want to be when you grow up?" is one of the most common and overly asked questions of all time. It's that question that people ask because your answer supposedly defines what type of person you are, how successful you will be, and what type of impact you will have on this world.
Over the last 20 years, my answers have included anything from Newser (anchor woman) to Miss America to a Supreme Court Judge. But throughout the myriad of answers I've given since I was 2, there was always that one constant answer that seemed to thread itself in and out of any phase that I was in. I want to be a teacher. It was the answer that always came into my mind, but also the answer that I constantly tried to push away in hopes of finding something "more." I used to think that being a teacher was a great back up plan if I couldn't find something more challenging and more extreme like living in Vietnam or owning my own orphanage. "Just being a teacher in the states" was always my safety back up plan.
Funny.
Now I'm here. I am a 7th/8th grade Special Education teacher in Hazlehurst Mississippi. I have taught for exactly one month now. I have spent 20 days in the classroom. And trust me, nothing about this life is safe or comfortable. But that is the life that I have signed up for.
On most days, I catch myself dwelling on all the things that this life is not. I become frustrated and upset at how unfair this world is. I cry myself to sleep at night thinking about some of the injustices that were piled on top of my precious children. I become infuriated at the fact that everyone else has seemed to give up on my kids. How do I combat 12-15 years of negativity and neglect and bad behaviors and poor choices? This life is not easy. I am not good at this.
But I'm done dwelling on what I wish this life could be and on what this life is not. I am deciding to choose joy. To see the beautiful amidst the brokenness. To find the hope where all seems lost. I am learning that grace and peace do not just appear; we must fight for them.
This life is not easy, but it is good.
p.s. this is our new favorite quote that was found on the back of a soap bottle:
life is a classroom.
we are both student and teacher.
each day is a test.
and each day we receive a passing or failing grade in one particular subject:
grace.
grace is
compassion,
grattitude,
surrender,
faith,
forgiveness,
good manners,
reverence,
and the list goes on.
it's something money can't buy and credentials can't produce.
being the smartest, the prettiest, the most talented, the richest,
or even the poorest can't help.
being a humble person can,
and being a helpful person can guide you through your days with
grace
and
gratitude.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
This is Life
There are a million things that I want to say about what has been going on in my life for the past 2 weeks, but I thought I would just share a few thoughts.
Right now, I am standing in my classroom, brought to tears at the very apparent reality that I will have students in less than 48 hours. I will be inclusion/co-teaching in 4 classes of math and science (about 100 students) and then I get to have one very special class of 4 students in my 7th grade English resource class. As I start to decorate their room and add those special touches that I hope will make them feel loved and celebrated, I am overwhelmed by the fact that these are 4 students who have been overlooked and passed by fro so many years. These are the students who have never been able to understand the material in a way that makes sense to them the same way it does to the majority of their peers. I have been reading over their IEPs and falling in love with them before I even meet them. I do not see these students as ones who are hopeless or stupid or not worth my time. I do not think that it is a waste of space or time to fully decorate and plan for 1 class with only 4 students. These students are worth celebrating. They are deserving of the very best, of much more than I will ever be able to give them. I hope and I pray that this classroom will be a safe place for them, one where they feel free to try new things, make mistakes, and share their thoughts and opinions. I pray that this year makes all the difference. I pray that these students would fall in love with learning. I pray. and I hope. and I work.
I hope to post pics of my finished classroom and expand more on the reality of this life right now. But now, I go back to work.
praying for decorating inspirations,
Emily
Right now, I am standing in my classroom, brought to tears at the very apparent reality that I will have students in less than 48 hours. I will be inclusion/co-teaching in 4 classes of math and science (about 100 students) and then I get to have one very special class of 4 students in my 7th grade English resource class. As I start to decorate their room and add those special touches that I hope will make them feel loved and celebrated, I am overwhelmed by the fact that these are 4 students who have been overlooked and passed by fro so many years. These are the students who have never been able to understand the material in a way that makes sense to them the same way it does to the majority of their peers. I have been reading over their IEPs and falling in love with them before I even meet them. I do not see these students as ones who are hopeless or stupid or not worth my time. I do not think that it is a waste of space or time to fully decorate and plan for 1 class with only 4 students. These students are worth celebrating. They are deserving of the very best, of much more than I will ever be able to give them. I hope and I pray that this classroom will be a safe place for them, one where they feel free to try new things, make mistakes, and share their thoughts and opinions. I pray that this year makes all the difference. I pray that these students would fall in love with learning. I pray. and I hope. and I work.
I hope to post pics of my finished classroom and expand more on the reality of this life right now. But now, I go back to work.
praying for decorating inspirations,
Emily
Friday, July 22, 2011
Step by Step
Sorry to all of you who have keep asking me about my last week of teaching summer school. Thank you for asking and caring and wanting to know. That last week was definitely one of the most draining weeks of the summer. All of my steps from day 1 were leading up to this destination, the end of summer assessment and the last day of school. Far too much happened, so I will just share the one story that has affected me the most. My kids improved a ton throughout those 4 short weeks, but the three students who were supposed to earn a 70% on their end of summer assessment in order to pass on to the 6th grade all got well below that 70% mark. It broke my heart to grade Kiera's test. Kiera is the girl who entered my class absolutely hating math. She was very quiet. She would not participate. She would barely pick up her pencil. Her mom approached me to warn me that math was her worst subject and that she wouldn't do well. I took a personal interest in Kiera and her growth in ability and confidence this summer. I kept searching for those secret moments that I could steal with her before school, at lunch, as she was leaving, whenever I could steal an opportunity to ask her a question or remediate a skill she missed from a previous lesson. I saw her grow the most out of all my students. During the last 2 weeks of school, she was earning 100% on most of my daily assessments. Instead of staring at a problem in fear, I saw her approach equivalent fractions and conversions with confidence, pride, and a big smile on her face. She had learned and grown so much in such a short time. Her original score on the pre-assessment was a 23% yet in order to go to 6th grade, she needed a 70%. Her final score was a 54% which is incredible. That amount of growth is equivalent to the top 25% of students who attend institutes around the country. But as good as that is, it's not enough. She will still have to repeat the 5th grade. My heart broke that day. She knows this material better than a lot of her classmates now yet she cannot continue upward. I am afraid that her new confidence will diminish and that she will go back to that place of fear and hopelessness. I hope and I pray that the lessons she learned and the moments that we had together will have eternal impacts on her life and that this summer did matter and was worth it. I need to believe that it was.
The last day of school was wonderful. I had a college talk with my kids and showed them pictures of some of my favorite college memories. It was especially wonderful to show them pictures of a couple of my favorite kids from Vietnam as I explained my experience there and how it fueled my passion to become a special education teacher. The whole day was just very affirming. Some of my students wrote me notes and gave me pictures. One girl told me that she wanted to be a teacher now because of me! I just love and adore them and definitely cried when I had to say goodbye to them.
In addition to saying goodbye to my students, I also had to say goodbye to my Corps Member Advisor (CMA) group. These are the 10 people that I did life with over these past 5 weeks (kind of like a RA staff). This was the group that we would debrief with, cry with, vent with, and laugh with. I had a really great group with a fabulous leader whom spent many many hours giving us meticulous feedback on our lesson plans and observing us teach and trying to comfort me as I broke down crying on a daily basis. I am very thankful for this group, even if they were for just a short season.
CMA group at Hey Joe's (the popular hangout!)
So now institute is over. We had 2 days of orientation that was supposed to serve as the bridge between institute and our fall placements. This was the first time that I received any "training" for special education. There are a total of 5 of us special educators in the delta (out of 290), and we have an amazing learning team leader who taught special education the year before. These 2 days were definitely overwhelming, but it also allowed me to be really excited about this specific type of work that I am going into. I don't feel qualified and I am definitely not prepared or deserving of this job. But this is the job that I was chosen for. This is my work and I will faithfully respond to its call, step by step.
During institute, we took a lot of really steep steps at a very fast pace. Now that the structure of the staircase is over, we are still expected to walk. We will only get to our destination as we go forward step by step. Sometimes or path is very clearly defined and sometimes we are only given a general direction. I am slowly learning more and more about what my specif path will look like. Each step that I take brings me closer and closer to this real adult life I am living as a teacher in Mississippi. One of the biggest steps so far is that I found a house!
This is my cutie little house with my 2 incredible roommates, Sarah and Rachel. I am beyond excited to live with these 2 girls and to make this house into a home!
We will be renting this house for the year, but it is not ready to live in yet, so I have been adventuring and couch surfing! For the first few nights, I got to hang out with 3 of my favorite women from institute in Jackson where we stayed in a hotel, went shopping, got pampered, and went out to dinner. It was such a treat after our very long 6 weeks!
Rachel, me, Becca, and Janie!!!
I dropped these three beauties off at the airport on wed morning and have been acclimating myself to the Hazlehurst/Jackson world with my other favorite friend from institute, Laura, and 2 of my new neighbors, Dave and Noah. I was worried about having to stay down here while everyone else went home. I thought that I would be lonely and miserable, but we've been having so much fun. I think I'm really going to love life here. Life outside of school will consist of picnics by Lake Hazlehurst, playing on the swings, making dinner together, having slumber parties, and exploring the great city of Jackson.
Laura and I at beautiful Lake Hazlehurst
yes, we are teachers and we sometimes act like the kids!
just enough cooks in the kitchen :)
I am getting closer and closer to becoming a teacher. With each step I take, my path is being formed. I keep hoping that there will come a time when there will be some consistency in my steps. Lately, every time I take a step, I'm in shock. Did I really just put a deposit down to rent a house? Did I really just buy my own refrigerator? How am I supposed to introduce myself as Miss Hood when I barely feel old enough to be the Sunday School Miss Emily? These steps are a bit crazy, but I think I'm really starting to enjoy the dance!
hoping to get work done tomorrow,
Miss Hood
The last day of school was wonderful. I had a college talk with my kids and showed them pictures of some of my favorite college memories. It was especially wonderful to show them pictures of a couple of my favorite kids from Vietnam as I explained my experience there and how it fueled my passion to become a special education teacher. The whole day was just very affirming. Some of my students wrote me notes and gave me pictures. One girl told me that she wanted to be a teacher now because of me! I just love and adore them and definitely cried when I had to say goodbye to them.
In addition to saying goodbye to my students, I also had to say goodbye to my Corps Member Advisor (CMA) group. These are the 10 people that I did life with over these past 5 weeks (kind of like a RA staff). This was the group that we would debrief with, cry with, vent with, and laugh with. I had a really great group with a fabulous leader whom spent many many hours giving us meticulous feedback on our lesson plans and observing us teach and trying to comfort me as I broke down crying on a daily basis. I am very thankful for this group, even if they were for just a short season.
CMA group at Hey Joe's (the popular hangout!)
So now institute is over. We had 2 days of orientation that was supposed to serve as the bridge between institute and our fall placements. This was the first time that I received any "training" for special education. There are a total of 5 of us special educators in the delta (out of 290), and we have an amazing learning team leader who taught special education the year before. These 2 days were definitely overwhelming, but it also allowed me to be really excited about this specific type of work that I am going into. I don't feel qualified and I am definitely not prepared or deserving of this job. But this is the job that I was chosen for. This is my work and I will faithfully respond to its call, step by step.
During institute, we took a lot of really steep steps at a very fast pace. Now that the structure of the staircase is over, we are still expected to walk. We will only get to our destination as we go forward step by step. Sometimes or path is very clearly defined and sometimes we are only given a general direction. I am slowly learning more and more about what my specif path will look like. Each step that I take brings me closer and closer to this real adult life I am living as a teacher in Mississippi. One of the biggest steps so far is that I found a house!
We will be renting this house for the year, but it is not ready to live in yet, so I have been adventuring and couch surfing! For the first few nights, I got to hang out with 3 of my favorite women from institute in Jackson where we stayed in a hotel, went shopping, got pampered, and went out to dinner. It was such a treat after our very long 6 weeks!
I dropped these three beauties off at the airport on wed morning and have been acclimating myself to the Hazlehurst/Jackson world with my other favorite friend from institute, Laura, and 2 of my new neighbors, Dave and Noah. I was worried about having to stay down here while everyone else went home. I thought that I would be lonely and miserable, but we've been having so much fun. I think I'm really going to love life here. Life outside of school will consist of picnics by Lake Hazlehurst, playing on the swings, making dinner together, having slumber parties, and exploring the great city of Jackson.
I am getting closer and closer to becoming a teacher. With each step I take, my path is being formed. I keep hoping that there will come a time when there will be some consistency in my steps. Lately, every time I take a step, I'm in shock. Did I really just put a deposit down to rent a house? Did I really just buy my own refrigerator? How am I supposed to introduce myself as Miss Hood when I barely feel old enough to be the Sunday School Miss Emily? These steps are a bit crazy, but I think I'm really starting to enjoy the dance!
hoping to get work done tomorrow,
Miss Hood
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
This work
I have a hard time writing here because so many things happen every day. I want to be able to sit down and write a deep and meaningful post that is well written and that accurately and beautifully describes all of the wonderfully hard things that are happening in my life right now. But instead, I need to realize that there is power and importance in the act of writing, as raw and grammatically incorrect as it might be.
I never thought that I would become one of those people whose work becomes their life. But I also never imagined that I would be partaking in this type of work. This work that consumes all of who I am. This work that keeps me awake at night with pictures of the faces of my sweet and struggling students. This work that pushes me and challenges me in new ways every day. This work that constantly brings me to new breaking points and then allows me to try again. This work that drives my thoughts, dreams, actions, and conversations. This work is sacred.
My work is about to change. I have been training and teaching summer school for the past 5 weeks, and next week starts a new chapter. Soon I will be moving down to Hazlehurst where I will be teaching 5th to 8th grade special education for the next 2 years. The first step in moving somewhere is finding somewhere to move to. So Saturday I drove down to Hazlehurst to go house hunting. It was one of the most overwhelming days I have had in a while. We went down there with the purpose of trying to find a house but wound up getting lots of sneak peaks about what life will be like that I just wasn't ready for yet. Hazlehurst is the 397th school in Mississippi out of 401 schools. And Mississippi has the lowest schools in the country. So, needless to say, there is a lot of work to be done there. So many things about the school seem both incredibly exciting and entirely terrifying. Here is a link to an article about my new principal that says a little bit about what I'm going into: http://www.eclassifiedsnetwork.com/v2/content.aspx?module=ContentItem&ID=211679&MemberID=1230
While we were in Hazlehurst, we attempted to find a house. What a grown-up task. I'm definitely not ready for it yet. There are so many things to consider and so many things that I still need to call my parents about. The good news is that I have roommates. I know that I will be living with Rachel and this other wonderful girl we met here at institute named Sarah. I am beyond excited about this situation. Now all we need to do is find a place. We found a charming little house that we fell in love with, but there have been a lot of questions and problems we are trying to work through to find the best fit. Please pray that we would find a house and that we would be able to move in quickly. We are kicked out of the dorms at 9am on monday morning. As of now, I have no house, no car, and a room full of things that have nowhere to go and no means of getting nowhere to. prayers would be much appreciated because I honestly have no time to figure anything out this week.
This week is my very first last week of school. Summer school ends on Friday with a celebration day. Thursday is the day that my students take their end of summer assessment. Wednesday is the day that I teach my last full math lesson. I thought that institute and being a teacher would get easier as the weeks went on, but they only continue to get harder. I am on my 5th week of about 20 hours of sleep during the week. I am exhausted. and drained. and so tired of continuously failing.
My students are each expected to reach these big summer growth goals. Some of my students are eligible for passing up into the 6th grade if they can earn a 70% on their end of summer assessment. My students have definitely been improving over these past 4 weeks, but definitely not at the rate they should be. They are definitely capable of learning these objectives. They are capable of mastering this test. They want to learn. They are smart. I will learn to be an effective teacher. But I'm not there yet. I have been learning and improving, but it has not been enough. I so desperately want my students to learn, improve, gain confidence in their abilities, and to go into 6th grade prepared. But this work is hard. At least 9 out of my 17 students have special needs. I'm not allowed to see their IEPs or to know how they learn differently because the laws do not require it for summer school. My heart is so broken for them because these are children who have been continuously struggling and at the bottom of the chain, year after year, even with a special education teacher in the classroom, an IEP, and accomodations and modifications. It frustrates me that these children are expected to excel in my class during the summer when I am a very inexperienced teacher, there is no special educator or someone to work with them one-on-one, and they cannot have the typical accomodations that they do during the school year. They need so much more that I have not been able to give them. Nonetheless, each one of my students has one more day to learn one more new objective and to review the past 30 until they take their test on Thursday.
Please pray for miracles. Pray that my lesson tomorrow is the best one I've taught yet. Please pray that there will be connections where there has formerly only been gaps. Pray for student motivation and teacher patience. Pray for wisdom to know how to teach and review in a way that clicks for each one of my students. Pray for wisdom to know which students need extra help in these last days. Please pray that these tests would be true reflections of the hard work that these students have put into this class this summer. But mostly, pray that I would remember the purpose in all of this. If even one of my students is able to pass into the next grade or just go into their current grade with more knowledge and confidence, then that is still a big deal. I pray that the work that has been done this summer will have eternal and everlasting impacts.
This work is the hard work. But it's also the good work.
prayingprayingpraying,
Em
I never thought that I would become one of those people whose work becomes their life. But I also never imagined that I would be partaking in this type of work. This work that consumes all of who I am. This work that keeps me awake at night with pictures of the faces of my sweet and struggling students. This work that pushes me and challenges me in new ways every day. This work that constantly brings me to new breaking points and then allows me to try again. This work that drives my thoughts, dreams, actions, and conversations. This work is sacred.
While we were in Hazlehurst, we attempted to find a house. What a grown-up task. I'm definitely not ready for it yet. There are so many things to consider and so many things that I still need to call my parents about. The good news is that I have roommates. I know that I will be living with Rachel and this other wonderful girl we met here at institute named Sarah. I am beyond excited about this situation. Now all we need to do is find a place. We found a charming little house that we fell in love with, but there have been a lot of questions and problems we are trying to work through to find the best fit. Please pray that we would find a house and that we would be able to move in quickly. We are kicked out of the dorms at 9am on monday morning. As of now, I have no house, no car, and a room full of things that have nowhere to go and no means of getting nowhere to. prayers would be much appreciated because I honestly have no time to figure anything out this week.
This week is my very first last week of school. Summer school ends on Friday with a celebration day. Thursday is the day that my students take their end of summer assessment. Wednesday is the day that I teach my last full math lesson. I thought that institute and being a teacher would get easier as the weeks went on, but they only continue to get harder. I am on my 5th week of about 20 hours of sleep during the week. I am exhausted. and drained. and so tired of continuously failing.
My students are each expected to reach these big summer growth goals. Some of my students are eligible for passing up into the 6th grade if they can earn a 70% on their end of summer assessment. My students have definitely been improving over these past 4 weeks, but definitely not at the rate they should be. They are definitely capable of learning these objectives. They are capable of mastering this test. They want to learn. They are smart. I will learn to be an effective teacher. But I'm not there yet. I have been learning and improving, but it has not been enough. I so desperately want my students to learn, improve, gain confidence in their abilities, and to go into 6th grade prepared. But this work is hard. At least 9 out of my 17 students have special needs. I'm not allowed to see their IEPs or to know how they learn differently because the laws do not require it for summer school. My heart is so broken for them because these are children who have been continuously struggling and at the bottom of the chain, year after year, even with a special education teacher in the classroom, an IEP, and accomodations and modifications. It frustrates me that these children are expected to excel in my class during the summer when I am a very inexperienced teacher, there is no special educator or someone to work with them one-on-one, and they cannot have the typical accomodations that they do during the school year. They need so much more that I have not been able to give them. Nonetheless, each one of my students has one more day to learn one more new objective and to review the past 30 until they take their test on Thursday.
Please pray for miracles. Pray that my lesson tomorrow is the best one I've taught yet. Please pray that there will be connections where there has formerly only been gaps. Pray for student motivation and teacher patience. Pray for wisdom to know how to teach and review in a way that clicks for each one of my students. Pray for wisdom to know which students need extra help in these last days. Please pray that these tests would be true reflections of the hard work that these students have put into this class this summer. But mostly, pray that I would remember the purpose in all of this. If even one of my students is able to pass into the next grade or just go into their current grade with more knowledge and confidence, then that is still a big deal. I pray that the work that has been done this summer will have eternal and everlasting impacts.
This work is the hard work. But it's also the good work.
prayingprayingpraying,
Em
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Just Hold on Tight!
I had this incredibly incorrect expectation that time in the south would be much slower. I have dreamed about being in this calm and relaxing environment where everyone sits outside on their porches, drinks sweet tea, talks slowly, takes their time to go from place to place, and always makes time for one another. Needless to say, this is not the life that I have been experiencing here in the Delta. In fact, it has been the absolute opposite. And it is draining. But this past weekend, I finally experienced a bit of that slowness and rest that I had been desiring.
We had a 3 day weekend for 4th of July (PTL!). We probably should have stayed here in Cleveland and slept and got ahead on lesson plans and all that jazz, but we knew that we needed to escape. So Janie, Becca, Rachel, Laura, and I went on the best girls' road trip up to eastern Tennessee to see Rachel's cousin get married!
We left friday night at 630pm and arrived in Bristol at about 530am Saturday morning. It was a very long car ride, but I just adore these girls and we had so much fun simply being together and singing justin bieber and stopping at sonic and having good conversations. It was also the first time that we went longer than a half an hour without talking about anything related to work, teaching, or our students!
We slept for a few hours, woke up, visited with Rachel's aunt and cousins, and then found out that the wedding had not been set up yet for that evening! So we quickly became the wedding crew and set to decorating with tool and flowers and copper pots and turned an ordinary picnic area into a place for a wedding! We decided we are going to start our own business called( "I Do," Now). So let us know if you're getting married and need it put together in a day!
We were busy the whole day preparing for the wedding, but none of it felt busy. It was fun and enjoyable to be a part of something so special and for someone whom I had never met, but with people I love so dearly. They also had the best reception ever because we got to ride on the backs of motorcycles at about 130mph on the beautiful Tennessee country roads with fireflies flying all around!
Riding that fast on a motorcycle is definitely one of my new favorite experiences. Mostly because I was able to relate it a lot to where I'm at in my life right now. I think that my life right now, working for TFA in Mississippi at this crazy time of my life is very much like riding on the back of a motorcyle at 130mph. There is no way that I would ever decide to drive a motorcycle myself, especially that fast. But thankfully, God does not ask me to drive; He simply asks that I climb on up, hold on tight with both of my hands grasped, and trust Him. If I were to try and do it on my own, I would fall flat on my face and crash my bike because there is no possible way that I could drive a motorcycle, especially since I have never even been on one. There is no way that I could be a successful, impacting, and effective teacher if I were to do it on my own because I have never been the instructional leader in a classroom before. I need to remember that I am not really the driver. God is the driver of this crazy bike, and I am just along for the ride. I do not know what the final destination will be, where we'll go in between, or what route we'll take to get there. But it is not important for me to know those things. The driver will always tell me what I need to do to be prepared. The only thing that was really in my control was that I trusted my driver and listed to what he said. My motorcycle driver would never tell me that we were going to pop a wheely; he would simply ask me if I was holding on extra tight. When I assured him that I was, he would take off on some fancy trick. If he would of asked me if I was ready to pop a wheely, I would have been terrified and said no way. But he made sure that I was ready, and then went for it, knowing that I would be safe and not fall. As I held on tight and trusted my driver, I was continually amazed by the thrill, enjoyment, beauty, and joy that I experienced on that drive. These next 2 years will be filled with so many twists and turns and fancy tricks that I am so unprepared for. If you would have told me 4 years ago that I would graduate college and move to Mississippi to be a special education teacher for junior high students in the lowest income and poverty area in the country, I would have said that there was no way. But as I continue to hold on tight to the Lord, he is continuing to amaze me and to bring me to places that I never thought I would be able to reach. I need to continue to trust him and to hold on tight.
There are only 4 more instructional days left in summer school. Only 4 more days to teach my children the material that they will need to know to pass the test next Thursday to move on to the 6th grade. I am so attached to my students, and I love them dearly. But they are crazy. And teaching here is still the hardest thing I have ever done. But there are only 4 days left. These last 4 days need to be the best and most important days that we have had. I hope and pray that this time left matters. Please pray for me and my students as we attempt to finish strong. I have a lot of students with special needs in my class and no time to give them the accommodations or one-on-one time that they need and deserve. Pray for wisdom that I will know what to say and how to reach them. Pray that they will be receptive. Pray that our work here in this last week would have impacts that last so much longer than these 4 weeks.
Holding on tight,
Em
We had a 3 day weekend for 4th of July (PTL!). We probably should have stayed here in Cleveland and slept and got ahead on lesson plans and all that jazz, but we knew that we needed to escape. So Janie, Becca, Rachel, Laura, and I went on the best girls' road trip up to eastern Tennessee to see Rachel's cousin get married!
We slept for a few hours, woke up, visited with Rachel's aunt and cousins, and then found out that the wedding had not been set up yet for that evening! So we quickly became the wedding crew and set to decorating with tool and flowers and copper pots and turned an ordinary picnic area into a place for a wedding! We decided we are going to start our own business called( "I Do," Now). So let us know if you're getting married and need it put together in a day!
We were busy the whole day preparing for the wedding, but none of it felt busy. It was fun and enjoyable to be a part of something so special and for someone whom I had never met, but with people I love so dearly. They also had the best reception ever because we got to ride on the backs of motorcycles at about 130mph on the beautiful Tennessee country roads with fireflies flying all around!
There are only 4 more instructional days left in summer school. Only 4 more days to teach my children the material that they will need to know to pass the test next Thursday to move on to the 6th grade. I am so attached to my students, and I love them dearly. But they are crazy. And teaching here is still the hardest thing I have ever done. But there are only 4 days left. These last 4 days need to be the best and most important days that we have had. I hope and pray that this time left matters. Please pray for me and my students as we attempt to finish strong. I have a lot of students with special needs in my class and no time to give them the accommodations or one-on-one time that they need and deserve. Pray for wisdom that I will know what to say and how to reach them. Pray that they will be receptive. Pray that our work here in this last week would have impacts that last so much longer than these 4 weeks.
Holding on tight,
Em
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Stars or the Moon?
Today was my 9th day of teaching. I have officially been Miss Hood now for 9 days now, and I wish I could tell you that I am getting the hang of it by now and that my students are making these incredible marks of improvement, but that's just not happening. This is still hard. I'm still failing. A lot. And it's a very different type of failure that I have never experienced before. This is the first time that I've ever been in a place where my failure is so apparent to others. Also, in college, if I failed an assignment or did not do my very best on something, I was the only one that it affected. But here, each and every failure moment that I experience directly impacts each of my 19 precious students. They need someone who will not fail them. I so desperately want to be that person, but I am just not there yet. I've been having a really hard time believing in and receiving self-grace, which is why I am SO thankful for the wonderful people in my life both here and via technology who have been able to remind me of truth and turn me back to the idea that I am not doing this for success; I am doing this to partake in kingdom work.
I read this verse earlier this week, and it spoke straight to my soul: "I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me" Philippians 3:12. This work is the work that Christ has prepared for me, and I am not allowed to say that I am not worthy of it because it is really not about me. I move forward and I keep loving my students and researching better ways to teach them because this is the work that is in front of me. This is what I am being asked to do right now for the Kingdom. I am not here to be the savior for these children. That is not my job. But how do I continue to do this work well while giving myself grace?
As cheesy as it is, I started to think about it like this: "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." I want each and every one of my students to make it to the moon. But maybe I do not need to be the one to get them there. One of my girls scored a 20% on her pre-assessment test. She needs to get a 70% on the final assessment (in 2 weeks!) in order to pass on to the 6th grade. I am going to live and act in a way that believes in miracles and power greater than my own. I choose to believe that this is something that COULD happen for her. Yesterday, I taught her how to subtract by using borrowing. This might seem like a very small milestone, but it made me cry. This 12 year old girl has never been able to subtract a number like 52-28. And now she can. I might not be able to take Daniell all the way to the moon, but if I at least live like it's a possibility, I will be able to bring her up into the stars, into that place that she has never been before. What a beautiful opportunity. And then, since she will be in the stars, the next person will have a much easier time and shorter distance to get her all the way to the moon.
I hope and I pray that each and every one of my students reaches the moon. I pray that they become confident in themselves. I pray that they choose to want to learn. I pray that they realize the fact that they have choices in their lives and that the choices start now. I pray for miraculous growth. I pray that they will pass into the 6th grade and then the 7th and 8th and 9th, all the way to and through college. I pray that they would not be limited because of the circumstances of their family's economic stability or the lack of support they have received on too many ends. I pray that they would 'achieve' but I ultimately pray that they would discover God and find their place in this beautiful Kingdom work.
heldtogetherbygrace,
Emily
I read this verse earlier this week, and it spoke straight to my soul: "I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me" Philippians 3:12. This work is the work that Christ has prepared for me, and I am not allowed to say that I am not worthy of it because it is really not about me. I move forward and I keep loving my students and researching better ways to teach them because this is the work that is in front of me. This is what I am being asked to do right now for the Kingdom. I am not here to be the savior for these children. That is not my job. But how do I continue to do this work well while giving myself grace?
As cheesy as it is, I started to think about it like this: "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." I want each and every one of my students to make it to the moon. But maybe I do not need to be the one to get them there. One of my girls scored a 20% on her pre-assessment test. She needs to get a 70% on the final assessment (in 2 weeks!) in order to pass on to the 6th grade. I am going to live and act in a way that believes in miracles and power greater than my own. I choose to believe that this is something that COULD happen for her. Yesterday, I taught her how to subtract by using borrowing. This might seem like a very small milestone, but it made me cry. This 12 year old girl has never been able to subtract a number like 52-28. And now she can. I might not be able to take Daniell all the way to the moon, but if I at least live like it's a possibility, I will be able to bring her up into the stars, into that place that she has never been before. What a beautiful opportunity. And then, since she will be in the stars, the next person will have a much easier time and shorter distance to get her all the way to the moon.
I hope and I pray that each and every one of my students reaches the moon. I pray that they become confident in themselves. I pray that they choose to want to learn. I pray that they realize the fact that they have choices in their lives and that the choices start now. I pray for miraculous growth. I pray that they will pass into the 6th grade and then the 7th and 8th and 9th, all the way to and through college. I pray that they would not be limited because of the circumstances of their family's economic stability or the lack of support they have received on too many ends. I pray that they would 'achieve' but I ultimately pray that they would discover God and find their place in this beautiful Kingdom work.
heldtogetherbygrace,
Emily
Friday, June 24, 2011
Nothing is Impossible.
"Nothing is Impossible." This is a phrase that has been ingrained in my head ever since I was a tiny tot. I had the immense privilege of growing up in a home and community and school with people who believed in me and who took the time to invest everything that they had into my life and my success.
This week, my heart has been heavy. I officially became a summer school teacher on Monday. I have 19 entering 6th graders in my classroom, and it is my job to teach them the math that they were supposed to have learned in 5th grade so that they can continue on and make it to and through 6th grade (and the grade after and the grade after and to college and to careers). I came into this week very naive. I thought that I would just get to have fun and practice my teaching skills in front of real students. But this is NOT practice. These are real students with real needs. It is my responsibility to teach them the objective that they need to go into 6th grade. I have 4 weeks. Each child had to take a pre-assessment test so that we can track their summer growth goals, and my class average is 30%. The best student in my class received a 53%. And this is material that they were supposed to have learned in this past year. They are so behind and I so desperately want to be the one who can inspire them and push them toward success. But it is such an overwhelming task.
Yesterday, my objective was to teach students to order fractions and decimals from least to greatest. (5/8, .8, 2/3, .61). I taught them the steps: 1)convert fractions to decimals, 2)put the decimals in order using the number line, 3)convert the decimal back to its original fraction. They knew the process. They could repeat the steps back and explain it to me. But as soon as I began the guided practice section, I realized that there was no way they would reach their assessment goals for that day because they did not know how to divide. My 6th grade students do not know how to do long division. How in the world am I supposed to prepare them for the 6th grade if they do not know basic skills that they were supposed to have learned in the 3rd grade? I left my classroom and began to cry because the situation feels so hopeless and I felt so defeated.
My heart just breaks for them because I know that they also desperately want to "get it." But nobody has ever stopped to take the time and explain it to them in a way that makes sense. I'm not blaming the past teachers or parents or any individuals; it is the way that our society is set up. We are so obsessed with the labels of success and achievement that these students continue to get passed up along the grades not actually knowing the material that they need to know to truly be successful. They need our help. They need our time. They need our attention.
Yesterday, we started this thing called Academic Intervention Time for an hour in our school day. This hour is devoted to tutoring and helping kids to "get it" in a smaller group setting because there are 4 teachers in the classroom with our 19 students instead of just one of us. It is definitely my favorite hour of the day. I taught my students how to divide yesterday. It was beautiful. I was absolutely enthralled by watching their thought processes as they attempted to drop down zeros and add decimal points. This is why I wanted to be a teacher. This is why I'm here. I hope and I pray that my students reach their summer growth goals and move up to the 6th grade, but nonetheless, they will improve as learners and scholars. My dream is to instill confidence in them that they are smart enough and capable enough. I feel so honored that I get to be the person to give them some of the skills that they need to do tasks like divide and recognize prime numbers. I wish that my job could consist of teaching in this way always.
And this leads me to the BIGGEST news of all. I OFFICIALLY HAVE A JOB TEACHING 5TH-8TH GRADE SPECIAL EDUCATION at HAZELHURST ELEMENTARY in Hazelhurst, Ms (about an hour south of Jackson) at the same school as one of my best friends, Rachel who will be a kindergarten teacher there! This was the best answer to so many prayers that I have been praying for so many months with so many different people. I don't understand why God continues to choose to be so good to me, but I am so grateful. I would be able to survive these next two years if I was a high school math teacher or if I was living on my own, but I know that I will be such a better teacher if I am surrounded by a strong support group and community and be able to teach something that I am passionate about. I know that it will be hard and that I know absolutely nothing about all of the demands of special education and what it means to live in such a small and rural town in Mississippi. But I cannot wait to partake in Kingdom work in this way.
But right now, life is about my summer school students who need to move up to the 6th grade. I hope and pray that my time, efforts, passion, drive, expectations, encouragement, teaching skills, and love would matter over these next 3 weeks. I pray that these weeks would matter and that the impact we have here would last for much longer than 3 weeks.
For those of you who continued to read all of my word rambling, thank you.
Excited to sleep,
Em
This week, my heart has been heavy. I officially became a summer school teacher on Monday. I have 19 entering 6th graders in my classroom, and it is my job to teach them the math that they were supposed to have learned in 5th grade so that they can continue on and make it to and through 6th grade (and the grade after and the grade after and to college and to careers). I came into this week very naive. I thought that I would just get to have fun and practice my teaching skills in front of real students. But this is NOT practice. These are real students with real needs. It is my responsibility to teach them the objective that they need to go into 6th grade. I have 4 weeks. Each child had to take a pre-assessment test so that we can track their summer growth goals, and my class average is 30%. The best student in my class received a 53%. And this is material that they were supposed to have learned in this past year. They are so behind and I so desperately want to be the one who can inspire them and push them toward success. But it is such an overwhelming task.
Yesterday, my objective was to teach students to order fractions and decimals from least to greatest. (5/8, .8, 2/3, .61). I taught them the steps: 1)convert fractions to decimals, 2)put the decimals in order using the number line, 3)convert the decimal back to its original fraction. They knew the process. They could repeat the steps back and explain it to me. But as soon as I began the guided practice section, I realized that there was no way they would reach their assessment goals for that day because they did not know how to divide. My 6th grade students do not know how to do long division. How in the world am I supposed to prepare them for the 6th grade if they do not know basic skills that they were supposed to have learned in the 3rd grade? I left my classroom and began to cry because the situation feels so hopeless and I felt so defeated.
My heart just breaks for them because I know that they also desperately want to "get it." But nobody has ever stopped to take the time and explain it to them in a way that makes sense. I'm not blaming the past teachers or parents or any individuals; it is the way that our society is set up. We are so obsessed with the labels of success and achievement that these students continue to get passed up along the grades not actually knowing the material that they need to know to truly be successful. They need our help. They need our time. They need our attention.
Yesterday, we started this thing called Academic Intervention Time for an hour in our school day. This hour is devoted to tutoring and helping kids to "get it" in a smaller group setting because there are 4 teachers in the classroom with our 19 students instead of just one of us. It is definitely my favorite hour of the day. I taught my students how to divide yesterday. It was beautiful. I was absolutely enthralled by watching their thought processes as they attempted to drop down zeros and add decimal points. This is why I wanted to be a teacher. This is why I'm here. I hope and I pray that my students reach their summer growth goals and move up to the 6th grade, but nonetheless, they will improve as learners and scholars. My dream is to instill confidence in them that they are smart enough and capable enough. I feel so honored that I get to be the person to give them some of the skills that they need to do tasks like divide and recognize prime numbers. I wish that my job could consist of teaching in this way always.
And this leads me to the BIGGEST news of all. I OFFICIALLY HAVE A JOB TEACHING 5TH-8TH GRADE SPECIAL EDUCATION at HAZELHURST ELEMENTARY in Hazelhurst, Ms (about an hour south of Jackson) at the same school as one of my best friends, Rachel who will be a kindergarten teacher there! This was the best answer to so many prayers that I have been praying for so many months with so many different people. I don't understand why God continues to choose to be so good to me, but I am so grateful. I would be able to survive these next two years if I was a high school math teacher or if I was living on my own, but I know that I will be such a better teacher if I am surrounded by a strong support group and community and be able to teach something that I am passionate about. I know that it will be hard and that I know absolutely nothing about all of the demands of special education and what it means to live in such a small and rural town in Mississippi. But I cannot wait to partake in Kingdom work in this way.
But right now, life is about my summer school students who need to move up to the 6th grade. I hope and pray that my time, efforts, passion, drive, expectations, encouragement, teaching skills, and love would matter over these next 3 weeks. I pray that these weeks would matter and that the impact we have here would last for much longer than 3 weeks.
For those of you who continued to read all of my word rambling, thank you.
Excited to sleep,
Em
Thursday, June 16, 2011
MISSISSIPPI IPPISSISSIM DELTA!
I'll try to give you a fast recap of my week:
~Thursday: I arrived in Cleveland Mississippi at 3 am, slept for a couple of hours, and that was joyfully and tearfully greeted by the beautiful Becca and Rachel (what a comfort!)
They showed me around and then sent me off to the hiring fair where I had 2 good interviews for jr high math but realized that I REALLY want to teach special education. But anyway...the rest of the day was just filled with sessions...lots of new info and vision casting!
~Friday: sessions, sessions, sessions. This completed the induction part of our training and we ended the night by going to a neighborhood home, a beautiful, richly decorated, warm and inviting home with delicious food, good people, and such a welcoming environment.
~Saturday: I took my Special Ed Praxis test! (I'll find out in a few weeks how I did!) And then that evening I went to my first ever catfish fry where I ate dinner and rode the carousel with my new friends!
Then we went to a BB king concert! It was awesome to see BB King in his home town, but the man is 85 and is no longer the performer he is known to be. To make a long story short, about an hour of the concert was watching his attempt at having a 10 year old dance party on stage where he destroyed children's confidences. (ask me about the full story sometime!)
~Sunday: the best part of Sunday is that we found the Mississippi version of Starbucks: McDonald's. (no, I'm not kidding). They have pretty good coffee, a fairly large work space, and free internet. I'm sure we will soon become regulars.
~Monday: this was the day that the real work began. The bulk of institute goes like this: we are all enrolled in 3 graduate level classes. We are required to go to sessions and learn everything there is to know about being a teacher, and we are also in charge of teaching students at summer school for 4 weeks. I will be working at Clarksdale High School (not for forever, but just for the summer!), and I will be teaching one hour of 6 grade math every day starting on Monday! This week is a preparation week, and man is there a lot to prepare for! This was my schedule: 4:45am wake up, go to breakfast, get on the bus to drive for an hour to my school site, sit in sessions until 4:30pm, get back on the bus, have dinner, and then we had a welcoming ceremony from 7-830. crazy! The worst part is, that wasn't our only long day.
Tuesday: This is the day when I realized that waking up before 5 is only something you should do on a travel day; it should never become your daily routine. yuck! I did, however, get a small break in the day to go to a coffee shop with Becca called Mississippi Grounds, and I fell in love with it. The chai is better than Classic Coffee! (I know that sounds blasphemous, but you will just have to come visit and find out for yourself!). I know that I am not here for the community aspect of it, but that is really the part that is keeping me sane. I have made some really great friends. It's weird for me to observe the rest of the TFA culture because I realize that the group we have is very rare; everyone else is completely focused on the task in hand and socialize with other people out of necessity. I have a true community here, and I know that it has everything to do with my learning experiences at APU, especially in RezLife. So, my favorite part of Tuesday is that we had our first girls' prayer group with Becca and Rachel and our new amazing friends Janie and Laura. They are such gifts to me here!
Wed: veryveryvery long day. too much information and work. not enough time to complete it. I also found out that I possibly have a job placement. It's not for sure yet, but it's looking likely that I might be teaching high school math/SpEd in Leland Ms. I'm not thinking about it too much yet because there's still a good chance that it could fall through; I'll keep you posted.
Today: exhausted.
I will try to update more often and hopefully I'll have pictures posted of my 6th grade classroom soon!
And thank you for praying, I think it's the only reason I haven't completely broken down this week and have felt illogical joy and peace.
Thank you,
Em
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Ukraine Updates
First of all, I'm sorry that this blog is so late =( I tried to send a quick "Hey I made it here and I'm safe" post when we made it to the second orphanage, but I guess it never went through!
If I were to list everything that happened on our trip, you would end up reading 70 pages of my journal entries. So instead, I will try and mention a few of my favorite highlights!
The night before I left, I was a mess. I was seriously doubting why I was going and realizing how nonsensical it was to co-lead this trip and then jump right into day 3 of Teach for America. And I would still agree that it was completely illogical. There were so many more things that I should have done to prepare for TFA, and the thoughts of TFA stopped me from putting my all into the prep work for my trip. But what I'm learning is that following Christ does not mean always following the logical plan. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I was supposed to both go to Ukraine and be here in Mississippi. My trip was very much about God's faithfulness in spite of getting what I want, adaptability, the spiritual disciplines of sacrifice, service, and simplicity, and the idea that you have to fight for peace. I learned so many lessons that will directly apply to my time in TFA, and I'm sure that I will be referencing this trip multiple times throughout the next two years.
My team was perfect. Seriously. They were the 9 best people for me to spend my last few weeks with before my big move. They taught me so much about how to live in the moment and how to actively and constantly love one another. Their uniqueness and individual ways that they connected with different kids was such a beautiful picture of true kingdom work with the body of Christ. They loved me and supported me unconditionally, through frustrations and breakdowns. I am forever grateful for them.
Orphanage #1: Vovchkiv
In essence with the theme of our trip, this orphanage was nothing like what I had expected. We were told that there would be 30 children and assumed that they would be all different ages, boys and girls. When we arrived, we discovered that our kids were made up of about 18 boys, mostly teenagers. Any of you who know me know that neither of those things are my forte. They also spoke absolutely no English, and the only conversations we could have with them were through our translators. For me, it was not the typical love-at-first-sight type of connection that I have experienced with orphanages in the past. I had to work at it. I had to try out my horrendous Ukrainian/Russian words, play soccer, and wrestle. We really had the best time though. Those boys were hilarious, hard-working, very talented, so sweet, and each had their unique quirks. Each day consisted of meals together, games, Bible stories/skits, crafts, jokes, and quality time. It was life at its best. It was life undistracted and disconnected from technology, city life, and any worries that we had going on at home. Each and every day there was solely about those boys and each other. It was beautiful. My favorite day there was the day when we got to see Kola and Dima graduate from high school. I was so proud of them and so honored that we got to celebrate with them. And then...there was a giant dance party that night with the whole village! Ukrainians really know how to celebrate!
Orphanage#2: Motovilovka
This week was entirely different from the one before. This time, we were not only with the children who lived at the orphanage, but we actually put on a camp for about 70 children from around the village who came to the orphanage and lived in tents for the week. Our program went all week from 830am until 11pm...what a week! Our team was split up into 5 groups, and I ended up being a counselor for the oldest group of kids who were 11-14. Teenagers again. I loved that I kept being put with the older kids because this is exactly what I'm transitioning into. I'm not going to be an elementary school teacher; I will be working with young teenagers. The two girls in the picture were my favorites this week (yes, I think it's okay to have favorites). They were two orphaned sisters from a different orphanage, and they just stole my heart. They are two of the sweetest girls I have ever known, and I was so honored that they clung to me throughout the week. I think one of the sweetest sounds that I will keep with me forever is hearing the two of them say "Emmy, Emmy, Emmy." Other highlights: we all learned a few new Ukrainian songs, we tried pig fat, we had a beautiful bonfire with a few songs that they sang in Ukrainian while we sang in English.
London!!!
We were the luckiest team in the world! We got to spend a day and a half in London for our debrief time! Now don't get me wrong, we did have some really great moments of debriefing, remembering, and discussing all of the wonderful, hard, and frustrating things from our trip. We didn't get a lot of time to ourselves in Ukraine because we had a wonderful team of Ukrainian translators join our group. So we were very thankful to have some time to just be together, even though we missed our new friends! For me, London was incredible because I had absolutely no expectations for it. All I was thinking about was Ukraine, and barely even remembered that we were ending in London. But it was such a blessed gift! Me, Chelly, Elena, and Andi set off one morning with no game plan, no map, and no knowledge of London, and we ended up seeing almost all of the biggest sights. We found our way to Hyde Park and Kensington Gardens, Buckingham Palace, Westminster Abby, Big Ben, the Eye of London, and a few other treasures in between, like Anthropologie on Regent street! It was so beautiful and relaxing. We also all dreamed about what it would be like to live there and hope that Jen really will some day!
So...that is the recap for now. If you want me to expand on anything I left out, just ask! I'm in Mississippi now, and I'm loving it. My next post will fill you in on all of these adventures since Thursday morning when I arrived.
Thanks for reading,
Em
If I were to list everything that happened on our trip, you would end up reading 70 pages of my journal entries. So instead, I will try and mention a few of my favorite highlights!
The night before I left, I was a mess. I was seriously doubting why I was going and realizing how nonsensical it was to co-lead this trip and then jump right into day 3 of Teach for America. And I would still agree that it was completely illogical. There were so many more things that I should have done to prepare for TFA, and the thoughts of TFA stopped me from putting my all into the prep work for my trip. But what I'm learning is that following Christ does not mean always following the logical plan. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I was supposed to both go to Ukraine and be here in Mississippi. My trip was very much about God's faithfulness in spite of getting what I want, adaptability, the spiritual disciplines of sacrifice, service, and simplicity, and the idea that you have to fight for peace. I learned so many lessons that will directly apply to my time in TFA, and I'm sure that I will be referencing this trip multiple times throughout the next two years.
Orphanage #1: Vovchkiv
Orphanage#2: Motovilovka
London!!!
So...that is the recap for now. If you want me to expand on anything I left out, just ask! I'm in Mississippi now, and I'm loving it. My next post will fill you in on all of these adventures since Thursday morning when I arrived.
Thanks for reading,
Em
Monday, May 16, 2011
Plans and Prayer Requests
I still can't believe it, but as of last Saturday, I am no longer a college student. I graduated from Azusa Pacific University on Saturday, May 7th.
College was such a sweet, sweet season in my life, but now I am off to new adventures.
Life takes off real fast from here on out. In 4 days, I will start my journey to Ukraine! I will meet up with my beautiful and quirky team on Friday night as we prepare for our big adventure.
We leave for the airport at 2am on Saturday (EARLY!). I have been looking forward to this trip since October, and it's finally here. I cannot wait to live life with these orphans and my team. There are no weak links on the Ukraine Train and I have to admit that I'm a bit obsessed with them. It was true love from the start and I am SO excited to see how God will work within this team of 10 crazies. I pray that we will remain united and that our love for one another will transcend and overflow to the children, workers, and natives of Ukraine. Choo Choo!
And then...the big move. Mississippi. I know that I usually live a pretty busy life and take on more than I should, but this is a bit extreme, even for me. I land in the LAX airport at 1:40pm on June 8th to leave on another flight headed to Mississippi at 4:20. I will arrive at Delta State University at about 3am, try to sleep for a few hours, and then partake in interviews all day in hopes of being hired by the perfect school. I know that it's crazy, but it's not impossible. I serve a God who is much bigger than delayed flights, emotional breakdowns, culture shock, and jet lag. (But I would really appreciate prayers...especially for no delayed flights on June 8th!) One of the things I'm most excited about with this move is the fact that I'm not doing it alone. By the powerful grace of God, 3 of my friends from APU have also been accepted to Teach for America in the Mississippi Delta.
Rachel and Becca
Micah
It is incredible that the 4 of us get to journey together. Please pray that we will be placed in schools that are close enough so that we are not separated. The Mississippi Delta region is quite large, and we could possibly be placed 4 hours away from each other. I love this group, and I am going to need them over these next 2 years.
So now, I will stop procrastinating and continue to pack. It is quite the overwhelming task because I'm packing for 2 very different adventures at the same time. But I'm hopeful. And if I work hard today, then I can play with my best friends tonight and maybe go karaoke-ing :)
Hoping to be productive,
Em
Life takes off real fast from here on out. In 4 days, I will start my journey to Ukraine! I will meet up with my beautiful and quirky team on Friday night as we prepare for our big adventure.
We leave for the airport at 2am on Saturday (EARLY!). I have been looking forward to this trip since October, and it's finally here. I cannot wait to live life with these orphans and my team. There are no weak links on the Ukraine Train and I have to admit that I'm a bit obsessed with them. It was true love from the start and I am SO excited to see how God will work within this team of 10 crazies. I pray that we will remain united and that our love for one another will transcend and overflow to the children, workers, and natives of Ukraine. Choo Choo!
And then...the big move. Mississippi. I know that I usually live a pretty busy life and take on more than I should, but this is a bit extreme, even for me. I land in the LAX airport at 1:40pm on June 8th to leave on another flight headed to Mississippi at 4:20. I will arrive at Delta State University at about 3am, try to sleep for a few hours, and then partake in interviews all day in hopes of being hired by the perfect school. I know that it's crazy, but it's not impossible. I serve a God who is much bigger than delayed flights, emotional breakdowns, culture shock, and jet lag. (But I would really appreciate prayers...especially for no delayed flights on June 8th!) One of the things I'm most excited about with this move is the fact that I'm not doing it alone. By the powerful grace of God, 3 of my friends from APU have also been accepted to Teach for America in the Mississippi Delta.
It is incredible that the 4 of us get to journey together. Please pray that we will be placed in schools that are close enough so that we are not separated. The Mississippi Delta region is quite large, and we could possibly be placed 4 hours away from each other. I love this group, and I am going to need them over these next 2 years.
So now, I will stop procrastinating and continue to pack. It is quite the overwhelming task because I'm packing for 2 very different adventures at the same time. But I'm hopeful. And if I work hard today, then I can play with my best friends tonight and maybe go karaoke-ing :)
Hoping to be productive,
Em
Friday, May 6, 2011
Tears
Apparently, the time of tears has arrived. Graduation has not yet happened, but the floodgates have been opened. I wish that I wasn't such a mess. I wish that I were the type of person who could pull myself together well enough to be able to say really elegant goodbyes and last words. But I'm not that person. I'm the person who falls apart. I cry. All the time lately. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that my tears are not something to be ashamed of; they are a beautiful gift.
I think that tears are such a tangible way of showing people how much they have meant to me and how greatly impacted I have been by the people who induce my tears. My soul has been so deeply filled with the living water of Christ that has been poured into me by all of these friends, residents, mentors, and family members that I am preparing to leave behind. It's like I don't know how to simply tell people that, so my tears are my way of showing people small glimpses of the fact that the living water in my soul has been because of them. These tears would not be present if it were not for the waterfall moments inside my soul and for the well that has been continuously replenished to overflowing by all that has been these past 4 years.
I pray that my uncontrollable tears really would be a testament to the impact that others have had on me. I hope that as my tears fall, you would know that it is because you have meant so much to me and I will miss you very much. There is no way for me to speak these intense emotions. I don't know how to express it with words, hugs, gifts, or a big thank you sign in a way that would do it justice. So I cry. And I pray that my tears would speak louder than words and pictures and notes and long hugs. My tears are the only appropriate response that I can find.
So, to each of you who have invested in me, whether with small drops or entire lakes, I am eternally grateful for you. I am sorry that i cannot find a way to say goodbye that is easier. Tears are painful. But I think that it would be much more painful to not have any tears. I would much rather have an overflowing well that spills onto others instead of one that is isolated, dry and cracked. Thank you for the living water that you have so graciously given me.
Joyously and Tearfully looking forward to graduation tomorrow,
Emily
I think that tears are such a tangible way of showing people how much they have meant to me and how greatly impacted I have been by the people who induce my tears. My soul has been so deeply filled with the living water of Christ that has been poured into me by all of these friends, residents, mentors, and family members that I am preparing to leave behind. It's like I don't know how to simply tell people that, so my tears are my way of showing people small glimpses of the fact that the living water in my soul has been because of them. These tears would not be present if it were not for the waterfall moments inside my soul and for the well that has been continuously replenished to overflowing by all that has been these past 4 years.
I pray that my uncontrollable tears really would be a testament to the impact that others have had on me. I hope that as my tears fall, you would know that it is because you have meant so much to me and I will miss you very much. There is no way for me to speak these intense emotions. I don't know how to express it with words, hugs, gifts, or a big thank you sign in a way that would do it justice. So I cry. And I pray that my tears would speak louder than words and pictures and notes and long hugs. My tears are the only appropriate response that I can find.
So, to each of you who have invested in me, whether with small drops or entire lakes, I am eternally grateful for you. I am sorry that i cannot find a way to say goodbye that is easier. Tears are painful. But I think that it would be much more painful to not have any tears. I would much rather have an overflowing well that spills onto others instead of one that is isolated, dry and cracked. Thank you for the living water that you have so graciously given me.
Joyously and Tearfully looking forward to graduation tomorrow,
Emily
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Numbers
As I prepare to become a math teacher, I find myself surrounded by numbers. The ones that are currently on my mind are these:
6 days until Spring Break.
28 days until Graduation.
31 days until I spend my last 10 days in Grass Valley.
42 days until I leave for 3 weeks in the Ukraine.
61 days until I land in Mississippi for the next 2 years.
All of these major life changes are becoming far too quantifiable. All of my worlds are beginning to collide right now, and I feel like I have too many things on my plate. I don't know how to balance currently being a student, a friend, a family member, a mission team co-leader, and a Community Advisor while I try to prepare for everything that is to come after graduation. In 31 days, I will be kicked out of this cozy APU bubble and into the more frightening "adult" world.
Only one year ago, I was just starting to get to know my Adams staff. And now I only have one more official meeting with my LAC staff (which is made up of the 8 most amazing women who have been just what I needed this year). I have been having one-on-one meetings with them every single week since the middle of september, and now I only have 2 times left with each of them. There is only one more Adams event and only 2 more staff meetings. The women in this building have been so near and dear to my heart, and I don't know how to process the fact that our time is coming to an end and so many new and exciting and frightening things are about to begin.
My head is beginning to fill with numbers, but I am learning to wait. As of now, my Ukraine trip and becoming a math teacher in Mississippi are still in the future. The numbers are inevitable. They will come whether I want them to or not. These present moments, however, are fleeting. I am going to try with all my might to hold onto them.
With hopes of learning how to make this blog more interesting,
Emily
6 days until Spring Break.
28 days until Graduation.
31 days until I spend my last 10 days in Grass Valley.
42 days until I leave for 3 weeks in the Ukraine.
61 days until I land in Mississippi for the next 2 years.
All of these major life changes are becoming far too quantifiable. All of my worlds are beginning to collide right now, and I feel like I have too many things on my plate. I don't know how to balance currently being a student, a friend, a family member, a mission team co-leader, and a Community Advisor while I try to prepare for everything that is to come after graduation. In 31 days, I will be kicked out of this cozy APU bubble and into the more frightening "adult" world.
Only one year ago, I was just starting to get to know my Adams staff. And now I only have one more official meeting with my LAC staff (which is made up of the 8 most amazing women who have been just what I needed this year). I have been having one-on-one meetings with them every single week since the middle of september, and now I only have 2 times left with each of them. There is only one more Adams event and only 2 more staff meetings. The women in this building have been so near and dear to my heart, and I don't know how to process the fact that our time is coming to an end and so many new and exciting and frightening things are about to begin.
My head is beginning to fill with numbers, but I am learning to wait. As of now, my Ukraine trip and becoming a math teacher in Mississippi are still in the future. The numbers are inevitable. They will come whether I want them to or not. These present moments, however, are fleeting. I am going to try with all my might to hold onto them.
With hopes of learning how to make this blog more interesting,
Emily
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