Today was my 9th day of teaching. I have officially been Miss Hood now for 9 days now, and I wish I could tell you that I am getting the hang of it by now and that my students are making these incredible marks of improvement, but that's just not happening. This is still hard. I'm still failing. A lot. And it's a very different type of failure that I have never experienced before. This is the first time that I've ever been in a place where my failure is so apparent to others. Also, in college, if I failed an assignment or did not do my very best on something, I was the only one that it affected. But here, each and every failure moment that I experience directly impacts each of my 19 precious students. They need someone who will not fail them. I so desperately want to be that person, but I am just not there yet. I've been having a really hard time believing in and receiving self-grace, which is why I am SO thankful for the wonderful people in my life both here and via technology who have been able to remind me of truth and turn me back to the idea that I am not doing this for success; I am doing this to partake in kingdom work.
I read this verse earlier this week, and it spoke straight to my soul: "I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me" Philippians 3:12. This work is the work that Christ has prepared for me, and I am not allowed to say that I am not worthy of it because it is really not about me. I move forward and I keep loving my students and researching better ways to teach them because this is the work that is in front of me. This is what I am being asked to do right now for the Kingdom. I am not here to be the savior for these children. That is not my job. But how do I continue to do this work well while giving myself grace?
As cheesy as it is, I started to think about it like this: "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." I want each and every one of my students to make it to the moon. But maybe I do not need to be the one to get them there. One of my girls scored a 20% on her pre-assessment test. She needs to get a 70% on the final assessment (in 2 weeks!) in order to pass on to the 6th grade. I am going to live and act in a way that believes in miracles and power greater than my own. I choose to believe that this is something that COULD happen for her. Yesterday, I taught her how to subtract by using borrowing. This might seem like a very small milestone, but it made me cry. This 12 year old girl has never been able to subtract a number like 52-28. And now she can. I might not be able to take Daniell all the way to the moon, but if I at least live like it's a possibility, I will be able to bring her up into the stars, into that place that she has never been before. What a beautiful opportunity. And then, since she will be in the stars, the next person will have a much easier time and shorter distance to get her all the way to the moon.
I hope and I pray that each and every one of my students reaches the moon. I pray that they become confident in themselves. I pray that they choose to want to learn. I pray that they realize the fact that they have choices in their lives and that the choices start now. I pray for miraculous growth. I pray that they will pass into the 6th grade and then the 7th and 8th and 9th, all the way to and through college. I pray that they would not be limited because of the circumstances of their family's economic stability or the lack of support they have received on too many ends. I pray that they would 'achieve' but I ultimately pray that they would discover God and find their place in this beautiful Kingdom work.
heldtogetherbygrace,
Emily
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Nothing is Impossible.
"Nothing is Impossible." This is a phrase that has been ingrained in my head ever since I was a tiny tot. I had the immense privilege of growing up in a home and community and school with people who believed in me and who took the time to invest everything that they had into my life and my success.
This week, my heart has been heavy. I officially became a summer school teacher on Monday. I have 19 entering 6th graders in my classroom, and it is my job to teach them the math that they were supposed to have learned in 5th grade so that they can continue on and make it to and through 6th grade (and the grade after and the grade after and to college and to careers). I came into this week very naive. I thought that I would just get to have fun and practice my teaching skills in front of real students. But this is NOT practice. These are real students with real needs. It is my responsibility to teach them the objective that they need to go into 6th grade. I have 4 weeks. Each child had to take a pre-assessment test so that we can track their summer growth goals, and my class average is 30%. The best student in my class received a 53%. And this is material that they were supposed to have learned in this past year. They are so behind and I so desperately want to be the one who can inspire them and push them toward success. But it is such an overwhelming task.
Yesterday, my objective was to teach students to order fractions and decimals from least to greatest. (5/8, .8, 2/3, .61). I taught them the steps: 1)convert fractions to decimals, 2)put the decimals in order using the number line, 3)convert the decimal back to its original fraction. They knew the process. They could repeat the steps back and explain it to me. But as soon as I began the guided practice section, I realized that there was no way they would reach their assessment goals for that day because they did not know how to divide. My 6th grade students do not know how to do long division. How in the world am I supposed to prepare them for the 6th grade if they do not know basic skills that they were supposed to have learned in the 3rd grade? I left my classroom and began to cry because the situation feels so hopeless and I felt so defeated.
My heart just breaks for them because I know that they also desperately want to "get it." But nobody has ever stopped to take the time and explain it to them in a way that makes sense. I'm not blaming the past teachers or parents or any individuals; it is the way that our society is set up. We are so obsessed with the labels of success and achievement that these students continue to get passed up along the grades not actually knowing the material that they need to know to truly be successful. They need our help. They need our time. They need our attention.
Yesterday, we started this thing called Academic Intervention Time for an hour in our school day. This hour is devoted to tutoring and helping kids to "get it" in a smaller group setting because there are 4 teachers in the classroom with our 19 students instead of just one of us. It is definitely my favorite hour of the day. I taught my students how to divide yesterday. It was beautiful. I was absolutely enthralled by watching their thought processes as they attempted to drop down zeros and add decimal points. This is why I wanted to be a teacher. This is why I'm here. I hope and I pray that my students reach their summer growth goals and move up to the 6th grade, but nonetheless, they will improve as learners and scholars. My dream is to instill confidence in them that they are smart enough and capable enough. I feel so honored that I get to be the person to give them some of the skills that they need to do tasks like divide and recognize prime numbers. I wish that my job could consist of teaching in this way always.
And this leads me to the BIGGEST news of all. I OFFICIALLY HAVE A JOB TEACHING 5TH-8TH GRADE SPECIAL EDUCATION at HAZELHURST ELEMENTARY in Hazelhurst, Ms (about an hour south of Jackson) at the same school as one of my best friends, Rachel who will be a kindergarten teacher there! This was the best answer to so many prayers that I have been praying for so many months with so many different people. I don't understand why God continues to choose to be so good to me, but I am so grateful. I would be able to survive these next two years if I was a high school math teacher or if I was living on my own, but I know that I will be such a better teacher if I am surrounded by a strong support group and community and be able to teach something that I am passionate about. I know that it will be hard and that I know absolutely nothing about all of the demands of special education and what it means to live in such a small and rural town in Mississippi. But I cannot wait to partake in Kingdom work in this way.
But right now, life is about my summer school students who need to move up to the 6th grade. I hope and pray that my time, efforts, passion, drive, expectations, encouragement, teaching skills, and love would matter over these next 3 weeks. I pray that these weeks would matter and that the impact we have here would last for much longer than 3 weeks.
For those of you who continued to read all of my word rambling, thank you.
Excited to sleep,
Em
This week, my heart has been heavy. I officially became a summer school teacher on Monday. I have 19 entering 6th graders in my classroom, and it is my job to teach them the math that they were supposed to have learned in 5th grade so that they can continue on and make it to and through 6th grade (and the grade after and the grade after and to college and to careers). I came into this week very naive. I thought that I would just get to have fun and practice my teaching skills in front of real students. But this is NOT practice. These are real students with real needs. It is my responsibility to teach them the objective that they need to go into 6th grade. I have 4 weeks. Each child had to take a pre-assessment test so that we can track their summer growth goals, and my class average is 30%. The best student in my class received a 53%. And this is material that they were supposed to have learned in this past year. They are so behind and I so desperately want to be the one who can inspire them and push them toward success. But it is such an overwhelming task.
Yesterday, my objective was to teach students to order fractions and decimals from least to greatest. (5/8, .8, 2/3, .61). I taught them the steps: 1)convert fractions to decimals, 2)put the decimals in order using the number line, 3)convert the decimal back to its original fraction. They knew the process. They could repeat the steps back and explain it to me. But as soon as I began the guided practice section, I realized that there was no way they would reach their assessment goals for that day because they did not know how to divide. My 6th grade students do not know how to do long division. How in the world am I supposed to prepare them for the 6th grade if they do not know basic skills that they were supposed to have learned in the 3rd grade? I left my classroom and began to cry because the situation feels so hopeless and I felt so defeated.
My heart just breaks for them because I know that they also desperately want to "get it." But nobody has ever stopped to take the time and explain it to them in a way that makes sense. I'm not blaming the past teachers or parents or any individuals; it is the way that our society is set up. We are so obsessed with the labels of success and achievement that these students continue to get passed up along the grades not actually knowing the material that they need to know to truly be successful. They need our help. They need our time. They need our attention.
Yesterday, we started this thing called Academic Intervention Time for an hour in our school day. This hour is devoted to tutoring and helping kids to "get it" in a smaller group setting because there are 4 teachers in the classroom with our 19 students instead of just one of us. It is definitely my favorite hour of the day. I taught my students how to divide yesterday. It was beautiful. I was absolutely enthralled by watching their thought processes as they attempted to drop down zeros and add decimal points. This is why I wanted to be a teacher. This is why I'm here. I hope and I pray that my students reach their summer growth goals and move up to the 6th grade, but nonetheless, they will improve as learners and scholars. My dream is to instill confidence in them that they are smart enough and capable enough. I feel so honored that I get to be the person to give them some of the skills that they need to do tasks like divide and recognize prime numbers. I wish that my job could consist of teaching in this way always.
And this leads me to the BIGGEST news of all. I OFFICIALLY HAVE A JOB TEACHING 5TH-8TH GRADE SPECIAL EDUCATION at HAZELHURST ELEMENTARY in Hazelhurst, Ms (about an hour south of Jackson) at the same school as one of my best friends, Rachel who will be a kindergarten teacher there! This was the best answer to so many prayers that I have been praying for so many months with so many different people. I don't understand why God continues to choose to be so good to me, but I am so grateful. I would be able to survive these next two years if I was a high school math teacher or if I was living on my own, but I know that I will be such a better teacher if I am surrounded by a strong support group and community and be able to teach something that I am passionate about. I know that it will be hard and that I know absolutely nothing about all of the demands of special education and what it means to live in such a small and rural town in Mississippi. But I cannot wait to partake in Kingdom work in this way.
But right now, life is about my summer school students who need to move up to the 6th grade. I hope and pray that my time, efforts, passion, drive, expectations, encouragement, teaching skills, and love would matter over these next 3 weeks. I pray that these weeks would matter and that the impact we have here would last for much longer than 3 weeks.
For those of you who continued to read all of my word rambling, thank you.
Excited to sleep,
Em
Thursday, June 16, 2011
MISSISSIPPI IPPISSISSIM DELTA!
I'll try to give you a fast recap of my week:
~Thursday: I arrived in Cleveland Mississippi at 3 am, slept for a couple of hours, and that was joyfully and tearfully greeted by the beautiful Becca and Rachel (what a comfort!)
They showed me around and then sent me off to the hiring fair where I had 2 good interviews for jr high math but realized that I REALLY want to teach special education. But anyway...the rest of the day was just filled with sessions...lots of new info and vision casting!
~Friday: sessions, sessions, sessions. This completed the induction part of our training and we ended the night by going to a neighborhood home, a beautiful, richly decorated, warm and inviting home with delicious food, good people, and such a welcoming environment.
~Saturday: I took my Special Ed Praxis test! (I'll find out in a few weeks how I did!) And then that evening I went to my first ever catfish fry where I ate dinner and rode the carousel with my new friends!
Then we went to a BB king concert! It was awesome to see BB King in his home town, but the man is 85 and is no longer the performer he is known to be. To make a long story short, about an hour of the concert was watching his attempt at having a 10 year old dance party on stage where he destroyed children's confidences. (ask me about the full story sometime!)
~Sunday: the best part of Sunday is that we found the Mississippi version of Starbucks: McDonald's. (no, I'm not kidding). They have pretty good coffee, a fairly large work space, and free internet. I'm sure we will soon become regulars.
~Monday: this was the day that the real work began. The bulk of institute goes like this: we are all enrolled in 3 graduate level classes. We are required to go to sessions and learn everything there is to know about being a teacher, and we are also in charge of teaching students at summer school for 4 weeks. I will be working at Clarksdale High School (not for forever, but just for the summer!), and I will be teaching one hour of 6 grade math every day starting on Monday! This week is a preparation week, and man is there a lot to prepare for! This was my schedule: 4:45am wake up, go to breakfast, get on the bus to drive for an hour to my school site, sit in sessions until 4:30pm, get back on the bus, have dinner, and then we had a welcoming ceremony from 7-830. crazy! The worst part is, that wasn't our only long day.
Tuesday: This is the day when I realized that waking up before 5 is only something you should do on a travel day; it should never become your daily routine. yuck! I did, however, get a small break in the day to go to a coffee shop with Becca called Mississippi Grounds, and I fell in love with it. The chai is better than Classic Coffee! (I know that sounds blasphemous, but you will just have to come visit and find out for yourself!). I know that I am not here for the community aspect of it, but that is really the part that is keeping me sane. I have made some really great friends. It's weird for me to observe the rest of the TFA culture because I realize that the group we have is very rare; everyone else is completely focused on the task in hand and socialize with other people out of necessity. I have a true community here, and I know that it has everything to do with my learning experiences at APU, especially in RezLife. So, my favorite part of Tuesday is that we had our first girls' prayer group with Becca and Rachel and our new amazing friends Janie and Laura. They are such gifts to me here!
Wed: veryveryvery long day. too much information and work. not enough time to complete it. I also found out that I possibly have a job placement. It's not for sure yet, but it's looking likely that I might be teaching high school math/SpEd in Leland Ms. I'm not thinking about it too much yet because there's still a good chance that it could fall through; I'll keep you posted.
Today: exhausted.
I will try to update more often and hopefully I'll have pictures posted of my 6th grade classroom soon!
And thank you for praying, I think it's the only reason I haven't completely broken down this week and have felt illogical joy and peace.
Thank you,
Em
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Ukraine Updates
First of all, I'm sorry that this blog is so late =( I tried to send a quick "Hey I made it here and I'm safe" post when we made it to the second orphanage, but I guess it never went through!
If I were to list everything that happened on our trip, you would end up reading 70 pages of my journal entries. So instead, I will try and mention a few of my favorite highlights!
The night before I left, I was a mess. I was seriously doubting why I was going and realizing how nonsensical it was to co-lead this trip and then jump right into day 3 of Teach for America. And I would still agree that it was completely illogical. There were so many more things that I should have done to prepare for TFA, and the thoughts of TFA stopped me from putting my all into the prep work for my trip. But what I'm learning is that following Christ does not mean always following the logical plan. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I was supposed to both go to Ukraine and be here in Mississippi. My trip was very much about God's faithfulness in spite of getting what I want, adaptability, the spiritual disciplines of sacrifice, service, and simplicity, and the idea that you have to fight for peace. I learned so many lessons that will directly apply to my time in TFA, and I'm sure that I will be referencing this trip multiple times throughout the next two years.
My team was perfect. Seriously. They were the 9 best people for me to spend my last few weeks with before my big move. They taught me so much about how to live in the moment and how to actively and constantly love one another. Their uniqueness and individual ways that they connected with different kids was such a beautiful picture of true kingdom work with the body of Christ. They loved me and supported me unconditionally, through frustrations and breakdowns. I am forever grateful for them.
Orphanage #1: Vovchkiv
In essence with the theme of our trip, this orphanage was nothing like what I had expected. We were told that there would be 30 children and assumed that they would be all different ages, boys and girls. When we arrived, we discovered that our kids were made up of about 18 boys, mostly teenagers. Any of you who know me know that neither of those things are my forte. They also spoke absolutely no English, and the only conversations we could have with them were through our translators. For me, it was not the typical love-at-first-sight type of connection that I have experienced with orphanages in the past. I had to work at it. I had to try out my horrendous Ukrainian/Russian words, play soccer, and wrestle. We really had the best time though. Those boys were hilarious, hard-working, very talented, so sweet, and each had their unique quirks. Each day consisted of meals together, games, Bible stories/skits, crafts, jokes, and quality time. It was life at its best. It was life undistracted and disconnected from technology, city life, and any worries that we had going on at home. Each and every day there was solely about those boys and each other. It was beautiful. My favorite day there was the day when we got to see Kola and Dima graduate from high school. I was so proud of them and so honored that we got to celebrate with them. And then...there was a giant dance party that night with the whole village! Ukrainians really know how to celebrate!
Orphanage#2: Motovilovka
This week was entirely different from the one before. This time, we were not only with the children who lived at the orphanage, but we actually put on a camp for about 70 children from around the village who came to the orphanage and lived in tents for the week. Our program went all week from 830am until 11pm...what a week! Our team was split up into 5 groups, and I ended up being a counselor for the oldest group of kids who were 11-14. Teenagers again. I loved that I kept being put with the older kids because this is exactly what I'm transitioning into. I'm not going to be an elementary school teacher; I will be working with young teenagers. The two girls in the picture were my favorites this week (yes, I think it's okay to have favorites). They were two orphaned sisters from a different orphanage, and they just stole my heart. They are two of the sweetest girls I have ever known, and I was so honored that they clung to me throughout the week. I think one of the sweetest sounds that I will keep with me forever is hearing the two of them say "Emmy, Emmy, Emmy." Other highlights: we all learned a few new Ukrainian songs, we tried pig fat, we had a beautiful bonfire with a few songs that they sang in Ukrainian while we sang in English.
London!!!
We were the luckiest team in the world! We got to spend a day and a half in London for our debrief time! Now don't get me wrong, we did have some really great moments of debriefing, remembering, and discussing all of the wonderful, hard, and frustrating things from our trip. We didn't get a lot of time to ourselves in Ukraine because we had a wonderful team of Ukrainian translators join our group. So we were very thankful to have some time to just be together, even though we missed our new friends! For me, London was incredible because I had absolutely no expectations for it. All I was thinking about was Ukraine, and barely even remembered that we were ending in London. But it was such a blessed gift! Me, Chelly, Elena, and Andi set off one morning with no game plan, no map, and no knowledge of London, and we ended up seeing almost all of the biggest sights. We found our way to Hyde Park and Kensington Gardens, Buckingham Palace, Westminster Abby, Big Ben, the Eye of London, and a few other treasures in between, like Anthropologie on Regent street! It was so beautiful and relaxing. We also all dreamed about what it would be like to live there and hope that Jen really will some day!
So...that is the recap for now. If you want me to expand on anything I left out, just ask! I'm in Mississippi now, and I'm loving it. My next post will fill you in on all of these adventures since Thursday morning when I arrived.
Thanks for reading,
Em
If I were to list everything that happened on our trip, you would end up reading 70 pages of my journal entries. So instead, I will try and mention a few of my favorite highlights!
The night before I left, I was a mess. I was seriously doubting why I was going and realizing how nonsensical it was to co-lead this trip and then jump right into day 3 of Teach for America. And I would still agree that it was completely illogical. There were so many more things that I should have done to prepare for TFA, and the thoughts of TFA stopped me from putting my all into the prep work for my trip. But what I'm learning is that following Christ does not mean always following the logical plan. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I was supposed to both go to Ukraine and be here in Mississippi. My trip was very much about God's faithfulness in spite of getting what I want, adaptability, the spiritual disciplines of sacrifice, service, and simplicity, and the idea that you have to fight for peace. I learned so many lessons that will directly apply to my time in TFA, and I'm sure that I will be referencing this trip multiple times throughout the next two years.
Orphanage #1: Vovchkiv
Orphanage#2: Motovilovka
London!!!
So...that is the recap for now. If you want me to expand on anything I left out, just ask! I'm in Mississippi now, and I'm loving it. My next post will fill you in on all of these adventures since Thursday morning when I arrived.
Thanks for reading,
Em
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